A teacher asks her second grade students:

"Simon, if you were on a date - having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"  HE answers, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."  What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

 He says, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 

"And you, little Gregory, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." 

The teacher fainted.  

George from Leicester

Irish Christening  

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no

longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins; a boy and a girl!

The babies are fine now, but they were poorly at birth and had to be christened

immediately.

Your brother came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus no, not mi' brother!

He's a fecking, clueless, idiot!' Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,

'Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise,' says the doctor.

The new mother is totally relieved.

'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother, I like Denise.'

Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew'.

Dominic from Largs

Back from Holidays

Summer holidays were over and Little Johnny returned back to school.

Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!"

Rob from Maidstone

Head Master’s Daughter

"Isn't the Head Master a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.

"No." replied the boy.

"I'm the Head Master’s daughter." said the girl.

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.

"No," she replied.

"Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sign of relief.

Toby from Tring

Dumb and Dumber
 
 
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nudist beach.

The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mummy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mummy, I saw men with willys a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mummy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got

Rudy from Blackburn 
 
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